Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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