My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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