That's intense
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
