So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Randomize
