Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
