so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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