why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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