I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i barfeds in our rink
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Text me some of your sweat
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