Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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