i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
