I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Randomize
