I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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