My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
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