so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
