she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
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is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
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That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
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