You were right. It hurts to walk today.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
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