we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
My ass is underappreciated
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
