4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Randomize
