I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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