I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
