Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
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