Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
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