ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
