I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
I should be sponsored by Trojan
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
