You were right. It hurts to walk today.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
