meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
