fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
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