Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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