I haven't been this sober since birth.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
