Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Randomize
