Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
