Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
Randomize
