It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
