i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Randomize
