Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
