My liver just broke up with me...
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
