You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
