The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
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