The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Randomize
