yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
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