Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
