does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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