He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
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