So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
