My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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