She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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