Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Randomize
