The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
You may now shotgun with the bride
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
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