i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
