it was like his penis was on wheels.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Randomize
