I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
