The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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