i need an iv and a liver transplant
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
