You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
