I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
