i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Randomize
