Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
