Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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