so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
