ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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